God's Grace
There have been so many things on my heart that I have wanted to share this past year in case it might encourage someone in this often times difficult adoption journey. We have gone through so much in the last 3 years, but I just haven't even had words for it up to this point. I still don't think my words could adequately express everything I've been feeling and thinking about, so please forgive my ramblings! I think I do have a perspective I didn't have before now. I can see how God's grace paved the way for our adoption, helped me overcome great fear, and has sustained and grown us over the last year of adjustment.
A year ago tonight, Scott and I and the kids prayed together and had one last family hug before taking them over to Scott's sister's house where we would leave them for 3 weeks. All of the great fears in my life converged in one single moment - I was leaving my kids, leaving this country (had always been my goal NOT to), and traveling by airplane for 17 hours!
I know people do this all the time, but for me, this was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life so far. I thought after 2 years of waiting to finally meet our daughter, I'd be more than willing to jump on that plane - riding on the wings if necessary! And it's probably a good thing that I felt that determined because when we got finally got the call and realized that I was going to sign temporary custody of my kids over to my family and not see or talk to them for at least 3 weeks and have to get on that plane and fly half way around the world, I just cannot tell you what sheer panic I went through! For most people flying is probably a bit of a nuisance in the course of getting to a destination, but for me it is terrifying! I truly feel that when I decide to get on a plane, there is about a 50/50 chance I actually will reach my destination! I flew once about 11 years ago for about 2 hours each way and decided that was plenty for me! Never again! It was a very good thing we found a country where there was an escort option and travel was not required. But of course, God had other plans... So I am already a complete wreck by the night before we are to leave and during our family hug, Woogie begins to just wail and scream and cry like I've never heard her before... Begging and pleading with us not to leave. And then the boys started crying. It was awful, just awful.
I can look back now and see how God was preparing me for that moment for many years, gently strengthening my faith and desire to do His will above all else. Confirming and reconfirming that He was in our adoption journey. And calling me to get on that plane long before I even knew I would have the opportunity. A verse in Joshua became very important to me as we prepared for our adoption - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." At the time, I took that quite figuratively - that God would walk with us through our adoption. We shouldn't be afraid to go through this process, but it ended up that I clung to the literal meaning of this as we journeyed so far from home and anything familiar. I'm so glad He had all of that worked out ahead of time, because it was still almost unbearable to say goodbye to our hysterical kids and put our suitcase in the car and start to drive to the airport - I was physically ill. After that, I started to feel some ease in my fear. Almost like since I had forced myself to take the first step, it was done and I could relax just a bit. No sleep and a very bumpy flight to New York on a flying bus (what I called the ridiculously small plane!) resulted in me crying the whole flight, but God did give me little things to ease the way, and by the time we got to the international flight, I had such peace. I just kept thinking that this was the plane to Myli! I know that this was only by God's grace! I even slept a bit during the flight! Even though we weren't even sure we would be able to bring her home with us on this trip, I just had an incredible peace that somehow this was all going to work out.
Our pastor described God's grace this morning as "When I am weak, God is strong." The last three years of my life can only be described as God's grace. The almost unbearable wait and uncertainty and the trip where all my fears came together in a perfect storm. And then on March 10th, we were given a long-awaited child who we suddenly realized we knew next to nothing about, and we were told she was our daughter! It has been nothing short of a miracle this last year to experience God's grace on our family. We have been weak - He has been strong. He has met our needs and carried us in ways I never imagined and we are stronger for the journey and for having Myli in our family. Even in the beginning, when almost every minute with our new daughter was a struggle, I was rejoicing because I have never felt God's grace so tangibly - like He was wrapping me in it, giving me just what I needed to get through each day and fall into a deep sleep at night. Grace that gave me the peace to know that things would get better. Grace to see that our new daughter was a beautiful treasure even when that was not so obvious. Grace that allowed me to see every day with her and just ordinary moments as miraculous events. Grace that gave me incredible hope for her future. Oh, and Myli is not our daughter's real name, but I will share the real middle name we quickly gave her when our paperwork was being filled out, never dreaming the meaning it would take on in our lives - her middle name is Grace.
A year ago tonight, Scott and I and the kids prayed together and had one last family hug before taking them over to Scott's sister's house where we would leave them for 3 weeks. All of the great fears in my life converged in one single moment - I was leaving my kids, leaving this country (had always been my goal NOT to), and traveling by airplane for 17 hours!
I know people do this all the time, but for me, this was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life so far. I thought after 2 years of waiting to finally meet our daughter, I'd be more than willing to jump on that plane - riding on the wings if necessary! And it's probably a good thing that I felt that determined because when we got finally got the call and realized that I was going to sign temporary custody of my kids over to my family and not see or talk to them for at least 3 weeks and have to get on that plane and fly half way around the world, I just cannot tell you what sheer panic I went through! For most people flying is probably a bit of a nuisance in the course of getting to a destination, but for me it is terrifying! I truly feel that when I decide to get on a plane, there is about a 50/50 chance I actually will reach my destination! I flew once about 11 years ago for about 2 hours each way and decided that was plenty for me! Never again! It was a very good thing we found a country where there was an escort option and travel was not required. But of course, God had other plans... So I am already a complete wreck by the night before we are to leave and during our family hug, Woogie begins to just wail and scream and cry like I've never heard her before... Begging and pleading with us not to leave. And then the boys started crying. It was awful, just awful.
I can look back now and see how God was preparing me for that moment for many years, gently strengthening my faith and desire to do His will above all else. Confirming and reconfirming that He was in our adoption journey. And calling me to get on that plane long before I even knew I would have the opportunity. A verse in Joshua became very important to me as we prepared for our adoption - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." At the time, I took that quite figuratively - that God would walk with us through our adoption. We shouldn't be afraid to go through this process, but it ended up that I clung to the literal meaning of this as we journeyed so far from home and anything familiar. I'm so glad He had all of that worked out ahead of time, because it was still almost unbearable to say goodbye to our hysterical kids and put our suitcase in the car and start to drive to the airport - I was physically ill. After that, I started to feel some ease in my fear. Almost like since I had forced myself to take the first step, it was done and I could relax just a bit. No sleep and a very bumpy flight to New York on a flying bus (what I called the ridiculously small plane!) resulted in me crying the whole flight, but God did give me little things to ease the way, and by the time we got to the international flight, I had such peace. I just kept thinking that this was the plane to Myli! I know that this was only by God's grace! I even slept a bit during the flight! Even though we weren't even sure we would be able to bring her home with us on this trip, I just had an incredible peace that somehow this was all going to work out.
Our pastor described God's grace this morning as "When I am weak, God is strong." The last three years of my life can only be described as God's grace. The almost unbearable wait and uncertainty and the trip where all my fears came together in a perfect storm. And then on March 10th, we were given a long-awaited child who we suddenly realized we knew next to nothing about, and we were told she was our daughter! It has been nothing short of a miracle this last year to experience God's grace on our family. We have been weak - He has been strong. He has met our needs and carried us in ways I never imagined and we are stronger for the journey and for having Myli in our family. Even in the beginning, when almost every minute with our new daughter was a struggle, I was rejoicing because I have never felt God's grace so tangibly - like He was wrapping me in it, giving me just what I needed to get through each day and fall into a deep sleep at night. Grace that gave me the peace to know that things would get better. Grace to see that our new daughter was a beautiful treasure even when that was not so obvious. Grace that allowed me to see every day with her and just ordinary moments as miraculous events. Grace that gave me incredible hope for her future. Oh, and Myli is not our daughter's real name, but I will share the real middle name we quickly gave her when our paperwork was being filled out, never dreaming the meaning it would take on in our lives - her middle name is Grace.
posted by Jennifer at
9:03 PM
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