Remember When?
Well, today's the day. One year ago today, the mayor finally signed the decree to make Myli our daughter! In a lots of ways, it's hard to believe it's been a year, but it also seems like a lifetime ago that we were in Uzbekistan. Seems like a dream...
I had pictured for so long what it would be like to dress Myli in all the clothes that had waited for her so long and walk her out the front door of the orphanage! I stared at pictures of that front door wondering what it would be like. In many ways it was a lot different than I had imagined. It was dark by the time we had finished gathering all the necessary documents and headed to the orphanage. Myli ran out and tried to get in the car immediately, but we had to go in for some business and of course some goodbye's and thank-you's. But she just could not wait to leave! It was almost a little unnerving to think that she was so willing to go with us and so happy to leave all of her friends. I realize now that she just didn't have a good understanding of how far away "America" really was and how permanent most of these goodbye's really were :( She wanted to see what was in my bag (just like every time we came to visit) while we were in the director's office. When I showed her the pretty new clothes for her to wear, she started stripping right there in the office! I was rather surprised but no one else thought much of it :) She ended up deciding to keep the pants she had on rather than exchanging them for the thick tights I had brought to go with her new jumper-style dress. She was quite a sight in her red warm-up pants, brown and pink dress, and then she started putting on her pink hat and gloves with red cheeks to match as she got over-heated (she refused to take them off!). We spent a lot of time just waiting - for what I'm not sure, maybe to give the appropriate caregivers gifts, which we did, and said some thank-you's and good-bye's. And then finally, we were leaving!
It was very emotional watching Myli say good-bye and give hugs to the other kids. One girl who had told me a few days earlier that she was Myli's "sister" broke into sobbing - it was heartbreaking! I gave her a hug and tried to comfort her. Many kids had smiles on their faces, but tears in their eyes. Myli was ALL smiles - she was absolutely hyper with excitement! And then we finally walked out that front door, I felt like I had the wind knocked right out of me! She asked us through a translator if we could bring one of the older boys because he was her "brother." Time seemed to stand still at that moment. I was so heartbroken at her question - and speechless. It made me realize how hard this was for her even though she wasn't letting on at all. I don't think I was prepared enough for the mixed feelings - on one hand so happy to be taking her home FINALLY and on the other, I felt so horrible taking her away from everything and everyone she had ever known and loved. I had no idea how to answer her, but the translator reassured her that his parents would come for him someday (I won't even go to how emotional that explanation was to me), but that seemed to satisfy her and she went with us happily after that, not even looking back.
We went out to dinner with the coordinator, deputy director, another official, and the translator (you wouldn't believe how many people we crammed into that car - insane!) even though it was late and I was anxious to make the long drive and tuck Myli into bed - I could tell she was EXHAUSTED! At dinner, the translator asked me how I felt. I told him that of course I was thrilled to finally have our daughter with us, but it was so strange knowing that everyone at that dinner table knew her better than we did! His words stuck with me for a long time - he said in two months that will all change, in 2 months you will know her better than anyone. How wise and reassuring that was! The two month mark was the first one that was imprinted on my mind. And he was right, at 2 months, I knew that I finally knew my daughter more than all the people at the table :)
We spent about 2 more weeks in Uzbekistan before it was time to head home. The last day was a holiday, Navruz - the first day of spring, I think. Myli wore a traditional cap-style hat with large gold sequins hanging down. It had been a beautiful day of dancing and festivities. We ended the day in the park near the hotel, and I was surprised how emotional and torn I felt about leaving. I couldn't wait to get home to our other kids (understatement of the century!), but it was so hard to think about taking Myli away from the only home she had ever known. I knew she needed a family and had so much to look forward to in her new home, but how I grieved all she was losing!
When we finally got home, I was again overwhelmed somehow with both joy and grief. It was such a joy to have our family all together after all the years of anticipation, but I was surprised how hard it was for me to see the kids' pictures all over the house. I was so glad I had made an effort to put pictures of Myli in every room, but there were so many of the other kids all in various stages of their childhoods. Pictures of me pregnant, pictures of them as babies, so many memories... So many memories I didn't have with Myli, so much history we didn't share. Constant reminders of all we hadn't shared...
But now we have shared the experiences of the whole last year. I can't explain how awesome it is to say to her, "remember when..." and we can remember together! There's so much of her life I have missed, but we have history now. We share memories. We share inside jokes and secrets. We share hopes and dreams. We have a relationship. We are mother and daughter. We are family.
I had pictured for so long what it would be like to dress Myli in all the clothes that had waited for her so long and walk her out the front door of the orphanage! I stared at pictures of that front door wondering what it would be like. In many ways it was a lot different than I had imagined. It was dark by the time we had finished gathering all the necessary documents and headed to the orphanage. Myli ran out and tried to get in the car immediately, but we had to go in for some business and of course some goodbye's and thank-you's. But she just could not wait to leave! It was almost a little unnerving to think that she was so willing to go with us and so happy to leave all of her friends. I realize now that she just didn't have a good understanding of how far away "America" really was and how permanent most of these goodbye's really were :( She wanted to see what was in my bag (just like every time we came to visit) while we were in the director's office. When I showed her the pretty new clothes for her to wear, she started stripping right there in the office! I was rather surprised but no one else thought much of it :) She ended up deciding to keep the pants she had on rather than exchanging them for the thick tights I had brought to go with her new jumper-style dress. She was quite a sight in her red warm-up pants, brown and pink dress, and then she started putting on her pink hat and gloves with red cheeks to match as she got over-heated (she refused to take them off!). We spent a lot of time just waiting - for what I'm not sure, maybe to give the appropriate caregivers gifts, which we did, and said some thank-you's and good-bye's. And then finally, we were leaving!
It was very emotional watching Myli say good-bye and give hugs to the other kids. One girl who had told me a few days earlier that she was Myli's "sister" broke into sobbing - it was heartbreaking! I gave her a hug and tried to comfort her. Many kids had smiles on their faces, but tears in their eyes. Myli was ALL smiles - she was absolutely hyper with excitement! And then we finally walked out that front door, I felt like I had the wind knocked right out of me! She asked us through a translator if we could bring one of the older boys because he was her "brother." Time seemed to stand still at that moment. I was so heartbroken at her question - and speechless. It made me realize how hard this was for her even though she wasn't letting on at all. I don't think I was prepared enough for the mixed feelings - on one hand so happy to be taking her home FINALLY and on the other, I felt so horrible taking her away from everything and everyone she had ever known and loved. I had no idea how to answer her, but the translator reassured her that his parents would come for him someday (I won't even go to how emotional that explanation was to me), but that seemed to satisfy her and she went with us happily after that, not even looking back.
We went out to dinner with the coordinator, deputy director, another official, and the translator (you wouldn't believe how many people we crammed into that car - insane!) even though it was late and I was anxious to make the long drive and tuck Myli into bed - I could tell she was EXHAUSTED! At dinner, the translator asked me how I felt. I told him that of course I was thrilled to finally have our daughter with us, but it was so strange knowing that everyone at that dinner table knew her better than we did! His words stuck with me for a long time - he said in two months that will all change, in 2 months you will know her better than anyone. How wise and reassuring that was! The two month mark was the first one that was imprinted on my mind. And he was right, at 2 months, I knew that I finally knew my daughter more than all the people at the table :)
We spent about 2 more weeks in Uzbekistan before it was time to head home. The last day was a holiday, Navruz - the first day of spring, I think. Myli wore a traditional cap-style hat with large gold sequins hanging down. It had been a beautiful day of dancing and festivities. We ended the day in the park near the hotel, and I was surprised how emotional and torn I felt about leaving. I couldn't wait to get home to our other kids (understatement of the century!), but it was so hard to think about taking Myli away from the only home she had ever known. I knew she needed a family and had so much to look forward to in her new home, but how I grieved all she was losing!
When we finally got home, I was again overwhelmed somehow with both joy and grief. It was such a joy to have our family all together after all the years of anticipation, but I was surprised how hard it was for me to see the kids' pictures all over the house. I was so glad I had made an effort to put pictures of Myli in every room, but there were so many of the other kids all in various stages of their childhoods. Pictures of me pregnant, pictures of them as babies, so many memories... So many memories I didn't have with Myli, so much history we didn't share. Constant reminders of all we hadn't shared...
But now we have shared the experiences of the whole last year. I can't explain how awesome it is to say to her, "remember when..." and we can remember together! There's so much of her life I have missed, but we have history now. We share memories. We share inside jokes and secrets. We share hopes and dreams. We have a relationship. We are mother and daughter. We are family.
posted by Jennifer at
2:08 PM
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