Remember When?

Well, today's the day. One year ago today, the mayor finally signed the decree to make Myli our daughter! In a lots of ways, it's hard to believe it's been a year, but it also seems like a lifetime ago that we were in Uzbekistan. Seems like a dream...

I had pictured for so long what it would be like to dress Myli in all the clothes that had waited for her so long and walk her out the front door of the orphanage! I stared at pictures of that front door wondering what it would be like. In many ways it was a lot different than I had imagined. It was dark by the time we had finished gathering all the necessary documents and headed to the orphanage. Myli ran out and tried to get in the car immediately, but we had to go in for some business and of course some goodbye's and thank-you's. But she just could not wait to leave! It was almost a little unnerving to think that she was so willing to go with us and so happy to leave all of her friends. I realize now that she just didn't have a good understanding of how far away "America" really was and how permanent most of these goodbye's really were :( She wanted to see what was in my bag (just like every time we came to visit) while we were in the director's office. When I showed her the pretty new clothes for her to wear, she started stripping right there in the office! I was rather surprised but no one else thought much of it :) She ended up deciding to keep the pants she had on rather than exchanging them for the thick tights I had brought to go with her new jumper-style dress. She was quite a sight in her red warm-up pants, brown and pink dress, and then she started putting on her pink hat and gloves with red cheeks to match as she got over-heated (she refused to take them off!). We spent a lot of time just waiting - for what I'm not sure, maybe to give the appropriate caregivers gifts, which we did, and said some thank-you's and good-bye's. And then finally, we were leaving!

It was very emotional watching Myli say good-bye and give hugs to the other kids. One girl who had told me a few days earlier that she was Myli's "sister" broke into sobbing - it was heartbreaking! I gave her a hug and tried to comfort her. Many kids had smiles on their faces, but tears in their eyes. Myli was ALL smiles - she was absolutely hyper with excitement! And then we finally walked out that front door, I felt like I had the wind knocked right out of me! She asked us through a translator if we could bring one of the older boys because he was her "brother." Time seemed to stand still at that moment. I was so heartbroken at her question - and speechless. It made me realize how hard this was for her even though she wasn't letting on at all. I don't think I was prepared enough for the mixed feelings - on one hand so happy to be taking her home FINALLY and on the other, I felt so horrible taking her away from everything and everyone she had ever known and loved. I had no idea how to answer her, but the translator reassured her that his parents would come for him someday (I won't even go to how emotional that explanation was to me), but that seemed to satisfy her and she went with us happily after that, not even looking back.

We went out to dinner with the coordinator, deputy director, another official, and the translator (you wouldn't believe how many people we crammed into that car - insane!) even though it was late and I was anxious to make the long drive and tuck Myli into bed - I could tell she was EXHAUSTED! At dinner, the translator asked me how I felt. I told him that of course I was thrilled to finally have our daughter with us, but it was so strange knowing that everyone at that dinner table knew her better than we did! His words stuck with me for a long time - he said in two months that will all change, in 2 months you will know her better than anyone. How wise and reassuring that was! The two month mark was the first one that was imprinted on my mind. And he was right, at 2 months, I knew that I finally knew my daughter more than all the people at the table :)

We spent about 2 more weeks in Uzbekistan before it was time to head home. The last day was a holiday, Navruz - the first day of spring, I think. Myli wore a traditional cap-style hat with large gold sequins hanging down. It had been a beautiful day of dancing and festivities. We ended the day in the park near the hotel, and I was surprised how emotional and torn I felt about leaving. I couldn't wait to get home to our other kids (understatement of the century!), but it was so hard to think about taking Myli away from the only home she had ever known. I knew she needed a family and had so much to look forward to in her new home, but how I grieved all she was losing!

When we finally got home, I was again overwhelmed somehow with both joy and grief. It was such a joy to have our family all together after all the years of anticipation, but I was surprised how hard it was for me to see the kids' pictures all over the house. I was so glad I had made an effort to put pictures of Myli in every room, but there were so many of the other kids all in various stages of their childhoods. Pictures of me pregnant, pictures of them as babies, so many memories... So many memories I didn't have with Myli, so much history we didn't share. Constant reminders of all we hadn't shared...

But now we have shared the experiences of the whole last year. I can't explain how awesome it is to say to her, "remember when..." and we can remember together! There's so much of her life I have missed, but we have history now. We share memories. We share inside jokes and secrets. We share hopes and dreams. We have a relationship. We are mother and daughter. We are family.

God's Grace

There have been so many things on my heart that I have wanted to share this past year in case it might encourage someone in this often times difficult adoption journey. We have gone through so much in the last 3 years, but I just haven't even had words for it up to this point. I still don't think my words could adequately express everything I've been feeling and thinking about, so please forgive my ramblings! I think I do have a perspective I didn't have before now. I can see how God's grace paved the way for our adoption, helped me overcome great fear, and has sustained and grown us over the last year of adjustment.

A year ago tonight, Scott and I and the kids prayed together and had one last family hug before taking them over to Scott's sister's house where we would leave them for 3 weeks. All of the great fears in my life converged in one single moment - I was leaving my kids, leaving this country (had always been my goal NOT to), and traveling by airplane for 17 hours!

I know people do this all the time, but for me, this was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life so far. I thought after 2 years of waiting to finally meet our daughter, I'd be more than willing to jump on that plane - riding on the wings if necessary! And it's probably a good thing that I felt that determined because when we got finally got the call and realized that I was going to sign temporary custody of my kids over to my family and not see or talk to them for at least 3 weeks and have to get on that plane and fly half way around the world, I just cannot tell you what sheer panic I went through! For most people flying is probably a bit of a nuisance in the course of getting to a destination, but for me it is terrifying! I truly feel that when I decide to get on a plane, there is about a 50/50 chance I actually will reach my destination! I flew once about 11 years ago for about 2 hours each way and decided that was plenty for me! Never again! It was a very good thing we found a country where there was an escort option and travel was not required. But of course, God had other plans... So I am already a complete wreck by the night before we are to leave and during our family hug, Woogie begins to just wail and scream and cry like I've never heard her before... Begging and pleading with us not to leave. And then the boys started crying. It was awful, just awful.

I can look back now and see how God was preparing me for that moment for many years, gently strengthening my faith and desire to do His will above all else. Confirming and reconfirming that He was in our adoption journey. And calling me to get on that plane long before I even knew I would have the opportunity. A verse in Joshua became very important to me as we prepared for our adoption - "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." At the time, I took that quite figuratively - that God would walk with us through our adoption. We shouldn't be afraid to go through this process, but it ended up that I clung to the literal meaning of this as we journeyed so far from home and anything familiar. I'm so glad He had all of that worked out ahead of time, because it was still almost unbearable to say goodbye to our hysterical kids and put our suitcase in the car and start to drive to the airport - I was physically ill. After that, I started to feel some ease in my fear. Almost like since I had forced myself to take the first step, it was done and I could relax just a bit. No sleep and a very bumpy flight to New York on a flying bus (what I called the ridiculously small plane!) resulted in me crying the whole flight, but God did give me little things to ease the way, and by the time we got to the international flight, I had such peace. I just kept thinking that this was the plane to Myli! I know that this was only by God's grace! I even slept a bit during the flight! Even though we weren't even sure we would be able to bring her home with us on this trip, I just had an incredible peace that somehow this was all going to work out.

Our pastor described God's grace this morning as "When I am weak, God is strong." The last three years of my life can only be described as God's grace. The almost unbearable wait and uncertainty and the trip where all my fears came together in a perfect storm. And then on March 10th, we were given a long-awaited child who we suddenly realized we knew next to nothing about, and we were told she was our daughter! It has been nothing short of a miracle this last year to experience God's grace on our family. We have been weak - He has been strong. He has met our needs and carried us in ways I never imagined and we are stronger for the journey and for having Myli in our family. Even in the beginning, when almost every minute with our new daughter was a struggle, I was rejoicing because I have never felt God's grace so tangibly - like He was wrapping me in it, giving me just what I needed to get through each day and fall into a deep sleep at night. Grace that gave me the peace to know that things would get better. Grace to see that our new daughter was a beautiful treasure even when that was not so obvious. Grace that allowed me to see every day with her and just ordinary moments as miraculous events. Grace that gave me incredible hope for her future. Oh, and Myli is not our daughter's real name, but I will share the real middle name we quickly gave her when our paperwork was being filled out, never dreaming the meaning it would take on in our lives - her middle name is Grace.

How Behind Am I?! - First Day of School!

Zoo - Finally

Wow! Six months makes a big difference!

Time Flies When You're Having Fun!

I can't believe how long it's been since I've updated this! Life has just been SO busy with four kids!!! I still don't think I'm quite used to the amount of laundry, dishes, cooking, shopping, and overall mess, but I'm getting there. We had lots of fun (and Dr. appointments!) over the summer, and the kids are all back in school (and loving it). Well, except for Meatball who starts preschool next week. I have to say it is the paperwork for all the kids that might deter me from having another! It is HARD to get 4 kids ready to go back to school! Meatball had a new ear tube put in right after we got home from Uzbekistan, but it is already out, and we have been battling infections for a while. Myli has had 4 fillings at the dentist and will be going to the eye specialist again soon to decide if she needs a same day surgery for her "lazy eye." Other summer adventures included Woogie's 8th birthday, throwing a surprise anniversary party for my parents, hosting a backyard Bible club, visiting the zoo (oh, I'll have to post those pics - CUTE!), and having the pleasure of a wonderful visit with an amazing fellow Uz adoptive family!!!!!! The last was by far the highlight of the summer!!!!!!!!!

Myli started first grade, and although I had many misgivings about her going to school all day, she seems to be flourishing! I can't say the last 5 1/2 months have been easy with her, it's probably been the most challenging experience I've ever had aside from the adoption experience itself. But it's also been so rewarding watching her blossom into a healthy, vibrant little girl! She has gained 7 pounds and an inch in height, learned to swim, ride a scooter, and ride a bike. The first time we put her on a bike (with training wheels), she couldn't keep her feet on the pedals or steer at all! The scooter was even worse... I was amazed when we took her training wheels off the other day, and she took off by herself!!! She shows a real aptitude for gymnastics and dance. She took one gymnastics class over the summer, but will start regular classes with Woogie next week. She's learning English amazingly well, which we expected from all we had been told, but to experience a child that spoke not one word 5 months ago go from that to understanding much of what we say and communicating well with people outside of our family (and they don't even realize it's not her native language!) is just incredible!

She is a very loving and often times compassionate little girl, and we are bonding very well, I think :) She loves to mother her baby dolls and loves our dog and cats. She and Meatball act as if they are long lost twins, with twin speak to match! I wonder how I will explain to his teachers that he used to be fluent in English, but now tends to speak in broken English mixed with broken Russian... They are just best buddies! Legoboy has taken well to having a new little sister as well. He really has a heart to want to be a special person in her life. And surprise - Myli likes Legos too! She has had a harder time with Woogie. For a girl who so wanted a sister, Woogie has been quite jealous. But some of that is wearing off now, and she's discovering how fun having a sister can be! They like to dress up and put on dance shows for us. It's wonderful :) I must say school shopping with 2 girls is a new (and expensive!) adventure! How fun it was to see Myli just beaming as she twirled around in the dressing room in beautiful, new clothes!

We are looking forward to camping in the mountains of Pennsylvania this weekend with other families from church. I am excited for this experience for Myli's sake as she has very little understanding of the world. I think she thought "America" was another building like the orphanage and it has been hard to explain to her how big this country really is! My camera is broken (again!) - just can't seem to keep the little hands off it. But hopefully, I'll have some new pictures soon. If I was technically gifted, I would do one of those beautiful adoption videos, but since I'm not and I may never :), here's the song that I would use - what an amazing analogy of Myli's life! It makes me cry even cutting and pasting it! LOL!

She's a Butterfly

She remembers when she first got her wings
And how she opened up that day
she learned to sing
Then the colors came, erased the
black and white
And her whole world changed
when she realized

[Chorus:]
She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

[Chorus]

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly,
give her strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground

[Chorus]

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly,
give her the strenght to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground

Welcome Home Myli/Belated Birthday Party

When I think of how long I waited to make Myli a birthday cake... So happy we didn't wait until next February!